LOITERING NEAR THE GATE

 

At a gate, a man stands guard. Behind the gate, lies the promise of something better, much better; a world where promises are always kept and dreams always come true. Its Heaven to those who have yet to enter, although its been said that insiders have found nothing Heavenly within. Such rumors, however, have failed to diminish the appeal of all things out of reach. And as long as life beyond the gate remains out of reach for most, it is a consummation devoutly to be wished.

The guard, however, permits no one to pass through the gate. Only those with names on his list may pass through the gate, Its an exclusive list of all those whove earned admission, although it remains unclear what renders some worthy and others less so. Its a selection process that those on the outside find arbitrary and unfair but which those on the inside consider highly discriminating.

Theres no questioning the validity of the list, which is the final authority in all matters of ingress. There is also no viewing the list which is fashioned by insiders who, its said, prefer those of like mind to share their exclusive space; and to be of like mind, you must talk as they do, speak as they do and regard the unchosen with the same casual disregard.

In short, you are one of them or youre not. And if youre one of them, you are probably already inside; which makes the list superfluous. Although if rumor is to be believed and the list is indeed blank, its clear that there is no admission for those not already admitted.

The gate, however, is never closed. Its open enough to maintain the illusion of accessibility. However, its only open a sliver, enough for one person to slip through and not without considerable effort. Those with the temerity to ignore the guard have attempted it, most failing but some evading the strong arm of the guard long enough to work themselves inside.

Its said that those who believe themselves worthy, will muster the nerve to push inside; although if one must be worthy to believe oneself worthy, then only the deserving do secure admission.

Theres considerable doubt, however, about the worthiness of many whove ignored the refusal of the guard and forced entry; although it can fairly be said that even the unworthy can pass through the gate provided theyre quick. It takes the guard only a few seconds to collar the trespasser and hurled to far away even to see the gate. It is the risk of risking entry and failing to achieve it as it may be the only opportunity one gets.

Yet, one needs only one opportunity, provided one gets inside.

I loiter near the gate as it is my wish to enter the world of the chosen. And by chosen, I mean those who are rewarded for their efforts and recognized for their accomplishments. Outside the gate, there is no such recognition. It is the life of thankless labor in the tireless pursuit of dreams that only come true for those on the who live on the other side of the gate. Dreams are nothing here. Only on the other side of the gate do dreams possess any currency. Only on the other side of the gate do people actually get what they want.

What use are dreams and hopes if they never come to pass? Only by passing through the gate, will opportunities bear fruit. Its a dead world out here, a world that promises life but gives nothing because theres nothing to give that hasnt already been claimed by those on the other side of the gate.

All or nothing. It is why so many gather here at the gate to seek admission, for in that sliver of light that shines through the open door is hope; and it is a hope of something better that makes tolerable a life of ceaseless and unrewarded toil.

Its a sense of entitlement that prompts so many of us to stand so close to the gate. That entitlement, however, may not always be supported by talent. Then again, since when did talent make a difference? Talent alone never secured passage through the gate, since only the presumptuous ever step close enough to enter.

Talent, its claimed, is what is necessary to join the ranks of the worthy. However, talent has never been a requirement of those within the infinite confines of the gated realm. It is merely the claim that passage through the gate is based on minimal standards when, in fact, its the disregard of standards and the usual admonitions that qualifies the chosen for admission.

I linger near the gate knowing that its a matter of time before the guards lapse of vigilance gives me a chance to attempt entry. The gate is ajar not more than a three second sprint away.

Although its said that the guard drops vigilance only for those whove been invited to enter. An invitation is never read. In fact, there are no invitations. The guard merely turns away, the signal that the chosen have agreed to include you in their illustrious ranks.

So it is for this invitation that I wait, for the guard to no longer look upon me as if I were a threat and a nuisance, his gaze averted long enough for me to claim what Ive always wanted. I no longer want to work for no purpose but to dream more dreams of better days. I no longer want to wait while those more presumptuous than I lay claim to what , perhaps, no one deserves; at least no more than I deserve.

There is no such thing as deserving, not on this side of the gate or the other. And yet, there stands the gate, as if humanity could ever be divided into two, the deserving and the undeserving.

My only hesitation is that once I pass through the gate, I may forget the world Id left behind, forget that I was no better than anyone else, forget that it wasnt talent or worth that secured my admission but shameless desperation for some recognized semblance of worth, or even forget that there was such a thing as hope. If a better world was mine to enjoy, what use were dreams, there being nothing better to aspire to having? And without such dreams, was happiness even possible?

In the time it took for the guard to avert his terrifying gaze, all doubt slipped my mind. The gate was open, and the prized world beyond mine for the having. I deserved it, did I not? Id waited long enough, pushed and jostled until I was close as anyone could get It was what Id always wanted: to have what others wanted, the better life that I knew I deserved.

I ran. But the gate was further away than I thought. I ran faster, harder. Time was pressing. This was the single opportunity I vowed was all I needed. The moment was now. I could not fail.

The gate receded from view. It was as if there were no gate, and no guard either. It was as if Id imagined it all; imagined everything where there was nothing. No gate. No chosen people. And no dreams made flesh. It was just me and the world of my choosing, there being no gate because I no longer believed in such things. I believed only in freedom from such thoughts, and so I dispensed with gated realms, all barriers the stuff of dreams. But the dream was over, and unfettered reality gave me more than just a world divided in two, it gave me an entire universe.